[Gonna watch Into the Dalek again and then sleep. Good Night everyone ^-^]
”Are you kidding me? We’re not ‘fine’!”
”You’ve left me so many times. You seem to be the decider, Doctor, so decide. Will we or won’t you try to let us work?”
"Don’t look at me like that. I want us to work, of course I do! Why would you even say that? It is decided. Yes— the decider says yes." He arched his eyebrows slightly at the end of the sentence, the trace of a smile forming as he waited for her answer. The usual smile he had for her only, which he was actually afraid it would be a little bit rusty.
“You can’t see me die? Oh, that’s a pile of rubbish, Doctor, and you know it. If you were talking to any of your other bloody companions that would be okay to say but not to me." There was something inside Clara that snapped and she just couldn’t keep it in any longer. "I have had to see you regenerate many times before, Doctor, and each time I lost the person who I had felt close to. It was always you but still… it was never you. I have been doing that— watching your back— for longer than you have ever been able to keep a companion. I have seen how you get too close and you push them away. You always hesitate to say your feelings because you know that one day it will end. The adventure will stop and you will be alone. Well imagine how I feel right now, Doctor. Imagine how it feels to be dumped by the man who you have sworn your whole existence to protect. Imagine how I feel— how I feel like some used rag you want to just throw aside so you can just replace and forget about me.”
She knew better than that but she couldn’t stop herself from talking. She knew he wouldn’t forget about her nor would he replace her. He wasn’t the type of person. He wasn’t like Nina or any of her other relationships: he was the Doctor. He was the most amazing bloke in all of time and space and Clara had been lucky enough to have him be with her for this long. He had told her he loved her and that was more than any other companion had ever heard. She had seen him regenerate and she had protected him. That should’ve been enough for her but it wasn’t; she was selfish. She wanted to be with the Doctor for the rest of her life but the end was always inevitable. Nothing lasted forever and she had seen that. She had been to Trenzalore and had died billions of times.
A small laugh escaped her lips as she wiped under her eyes. “I never said it was your mistake, Doctor.” No, she wouldn’t explain what she meant. She would never tell him that she had always thought of him as her boyfriend because what good would it do? This was the Doctor’s choice and she needed to respect that. She was his companion and she would meet him again. Just… not her Doctor. A man with a giant chin and big, sad eyes.
”Well, if this is what you really want… goodbye, Sandshoes.” She paused, “Run. Run you clever boy, and remember me.”
He sighed, his hand rubbing his neck as the Doctor looked down while her words came out with fury. The Doctor closed his eyes and shook his head. Why wouldn’t she understand? Why couldn’t she - the woman who had always understood him - understand what was so important for him this time? All she was doing was to make it worse than it was already, and he didn’t know if it was making him sad or angry, or even both.
”Oh, I’m sorry if I didn’t realise it was a competition. Who has seen the other die more times. Yes, I hesitate to say my feelings, because everything ends. You say that but do you have any idea of how it feels to see that everyone you meet end up dying because of you? No matter how hard you try, you just screw their lifes even more. And actually caring for someone, once you have the extraordinary experience I do, there’s no good of that. I’d regenerated so many times, but I’m still the Doctor. Still here. Still the same memories. While you— you’re human, no regeneration for you. Once you’re gone, Clara Oswald is gone forever. Not gonna let that happen.”
The Time Lord didn’t realise he had walked toward the console while he spoke until his hand was pressing the button used to lock the TARDIS door. His hand squeezed the button as hard as he could by the time she said those words. Goodbye. No, Clara, don’t you dare.
Was this a good idea anyway? He started the whole thing after all. It was the right thing to do but it still felt so wrong. So deeply and immensely wrong. His eyes were fixed on her, and he didn’t know what to say. The Doctor forced himself to release the button. Unlock the doors. No words could express the pain that could see on his eyes.
”Clara..” He mumbled, but he couldn’t finish. He didn’t know how. He needed her safe, but with him at the same time. With a short smile and the undesirable tears coming back, he was tired of resisting. His voice was filled with love, with the intimate hope she wouldn’t leave.
”—these are not sandshoes.”
*gives url with flowers*
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